Just a few minutes until midnight.

I’m interviewing for a new gig. Some companies require writing samples, ‘role play’ presentations, and multiple 3+ hour interview sessions.

I get it. You want to find the right fit. My interest in all the companies that require you to jump through these hoops goes down the longer the interview cycle is to the point where I pull out of the entire process.

It’s not the tasks. It’s the lack of trust. Once I sense the trust isn’t there, why proceed? It’s the competition that throws me out, not insecurity.

I understand the competition should bring out everyone’s ‘A’ game. I get that. I don’t think that’s how I’m wired though. According to my IMDB and other multiple assessment/personality quizzes online, I should work in a low paying/pressure role that I find ‘rich in fulfillment’. In other words, it says I’d be a great fit in a clergy, counselor, teacher, or as some freelancer artist.

A role where I help people. Sounds spot on and draining all at once.

I know I’m whining. I know. I knoooooow.

I’m also turning 30 really soon. In less than a month.

And I’m most proud of that which is not on my resume, degree plaque or posted on my bank account. I’m most proud of my relationship with my loving husband and our honesty with one another. I’m so grateful that I’m living life with someone who understands me or at least tries to. My desire to understand him and support him is just the same.

I suppose at this point I’ve been worrying that my time and goals are a bit unclear. I get upset when I feel fearful. I get upset when I feel as though someone or some company wants me to do everything possible to convince them I’m the right person.

It’s a risk for both of us. Hey, I’m loyal. I work my ass off. I’m trustworthy. I promise. And no amount of writing samples, role plays etc. will prove that – I promise. What will prove that is trust but that takes a risk, which I understand not everyone can, needs, nor will take.

That’s when I check out. My friend said I’m just burned out. I need a break. She might be right. It’s crazy what a few good nights sleep and showers can do.

But I’m thinking it’s possible that it could be more. I’ll be 30 in a few days. The past 10 years have gone by and the next 10, if the Lord wills, will allow me to make the changes I desire.

I get that takes means. I get there are bills. This internet isn’t free. This computer isn’t charged on free electricity. The water I shower with isn’t flowing for free. I get it. Which is why I’m continuing to interview and TRUST GOD that what’s right will fall into place. That may sound naive and stupid to some people but to me, it’s what makes sense.

It’s actually what’s worked up till now. When I FORCE something I know isn’t vibing, to prove to others that I’m ok, I’m skilled, I’m smart etc. I end up BURNED OUT. When I try to live for anything but HIM, but trusting in HIM…it all gets jaded.

no gracias. only thing I’d like to burn is the sweet potato fries my husband so lovingly still eats. He’s the bomb.

 

 

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